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Filed today, August 15, at 5 PM. For immediate release:

Today at Trump Tower the president handled an unruly, unfair and belligerent press with characteristic restraint, flanked by two wealthy Jews, an unattractive Asian and a badass military dude who is entirely in accord with everything the president says. Fielding inappropriate, disrespectful and mean questions with a calm demeanor the president patiently answered and set the record straight on the left-wing activists who caused all the trouble in Charlottesville by interfering with a peaceful and permitted gathering and assembly by Civil and Second World War history buffs. The president is sorry that it all went south and hopes it won't happen again at the next such event so he asks that alt-left persons stay home and respect the rights of others to enjoy an innocent and harmless pastime.